Wish I Was Here...Already Married

"What do you mean you want to be married already?! You're young! Live life, make the most of your youth, and don't worry about girls until your older...much older! I kid on that, but seriously, why worry about marriage now? It'll come in time. You just have to be patient."

Almost ubiquitously, I get such reactions whenever I mention that I would have liked to be married already. When I was 14, I had hoped that I would have finished university, began my career, and have wedded a lovely, intelligent woman. All by the age of 22. Instead, I'm now 25, still fighting for my undergraduate degree, and single. Not even a girlfriend. We're talking "forever alone" type of situation. Actually, that's not entirely true. If pretty girls didn't make me so damn nervous...!

...

Actually, we're derailing here. You're probably thinking, Why do you want to be married already? What's the rush?, and if you weren't thinking it, you are now. To answer the question (that I imposed upon you - sorrynotsorry about that), the answer is quite simple: security. See, I'm not the kind of guy that just relentlessly pursuits women; I'm not the kind of guy that's constantly seeking for the next girl to smash (euphemism); and I'm not the kind of guy that constantly has some ulterior sexual motive for interacting with people of the opposite sex and gender (I was that person, but I've come along a way since then, but I digress). Perhaps, and embarrassingly so, I have no game (also euphemism) nor have I an interest in playing "the dating game." It's through marriage that I bypass this cruel and, at times, illogical farce of social interaction that juxtaposes bizarre human personalities with other bizarre human personalities. 

The notion that I'd have some special lady to go home to, to give and receive any and all comforts has always been appealing to me. No games, doubts, worries, or other pointless bull. Just an ethereal security of knowing who's waiting for me (and who I'm waiting for) at end of the day. This is why I want to be married and avoid having to spend precious years carrying unnecessary emotional baggage and wear painful battle scars as we desperately search for our other halves like chickens with heads cut off.

In all honesty, I don't know why I'm feeling pressured to be married already. Is it just me playing some distorted mind game with my own self? All I know, at this point, is that I'm feeling all too self-aware of this. Is this just me being emotional or is it something more inherent within me that I'm not attending to?

P.S.: On an unrelated note, Zach Braff recently released Wish I Was Here and it looks interesting, similar to Garden State over a decade ago. If anything, this film just may be Garden State 2.0.

Maybe.

Mixed Signals & Gambling

This is a different story about a girl (not this story about about a girl), since I've been trying to move on from the first one (if this makes any sense to anyone). Long story short, I've been bonding with a girl over dumb jokes, quips, and an overall genuine concern of our daily existence (small talk, I know, but it leads to deeper topics of discussion). At first, I didn't really notice notice her (that came later), but I just thought it was kind of cool to talk to somebody on a daily basis. Like I said, over time, I really began to notice her, like her laugh, her smile, her hair even (yeah, yeah, don't laugh). Maybe it's just me (and most likely it is just me), but I was certain she was into me, too. Her body language gave me all the right signals, and after some internal debate with myself, I decided to take leap of faith and ask her out on a date. And this is where it was a pain to know the answer. She hesitated and mulled over a possible to give me. All the while, there I am, waiting and anticipating an answer. My heart was beating so loudly, and all the sounds surrounding my were washed out, replaced by the bass-heavy beating of my hear. In the end, she wasn't interested, apologizing for leading me on and letting to believe such things. In reflection (this happened yesterday Aug. 3, 2013), I'm not at all upset. If anything, I feel disappointed. I really thought to have a future of sorts with this girl. Oh well, she's not interested in me and there's nothing I can do but to move on. The search continues...damn it.

Later on that day, I began to work my shift. With the recent hang-up looming over my conscious, my work-shift was immediately tarnished. Not to mention that dreaded PowerBall Lottery jackpot had climbed up to $300 million (it's $300,000,000 written out). Which, in turn, only amplified my bitter perspective of my day. As you all know, my view of the lottery is a very cynical one. For the lottery (or any gambling mechanism in general) dangles false hope upon foolish participants stupid enough to think that they can become filthy rich overnight (and no, that's not from a book - it's my honest, and humble, opinion). Which does happen and it's extremely rare when it does, but it'll never happen to you. And if you have read my "Give Me The Winning Ticket!!!" post, then just know that I loathe the system that is the lottery for the reasons posted in my previous post, with a passion of a thousand suns (you can thank my friend for that one! Ha!). 

So all these trite and predictable comments, multiplied with my romantic hangups have made me extremely bitter for the day. And here I am, venting to the digital world, hoping for an ear of sympathy, yearning to be heard, and finally desiring to connect with another person half a world away. Thank you for reading, listening, and responding (if you choose to reply) to this lengthy vent. It wasn't easy nor comfortable, but thank you nonetheless. Have a good night, good morning, and good afternoon.