"The Reasons I Won't Be Coming..." (Part III)

*NOTE: I actually meant to post this entry a few days ago, but, as I mentioned in Part II, the immense schoolwork had kept me from setting time aside to complete this post punctually.*

In the week after the second entry was written, I had (somewhat) stopped caring about work, my schooling, my appearance, and my health. I still went to my class and work, but I wasn't enthusiastic about doing so. I let my beard become a splotchy mess, I practically wore the same outfit for days on end (my sweater hid the same flannel I wore on consecutive days), and it's been a week or so since my last gym session with my brothers. This went on for days. Then, it finally happened.

I know this because my sister innocently hugged me goodnight a few days ago and I gently wept on her shoulder. My heart, my mind, and my soul couldn't carry on anymore - the weight had been too much. Then, in the following morning, I realized that I have finally reached the deepest depths this break-up will drag me down to. I had nowhere to go, but upwards and, perhaps, beyond.

The first thing to change was my appearance. In addition to finally wearing various outfits to class, two friends in the class suggested that I shave off the entire beard and mustache, rather than trimming off the splotchy regions on my face. So I did, since they've never seen me clean-shaven, so I figure I'd amuse them with how much younger I look (about 20 with a clean face). Incidentally, this shave surprised almost half the class (the professor included), and some people commented on how different I really look without facial hair, including a girl who caught my eye (more on her in a moment). I also began to replace unhealthy snacks and drinks with trail mixes and bottles of water, as well as going out for brisk walks during the small 15-minute breaks we students were given every day. This all began on Wednesday of the third week of class.

On the last day of the second week, I arrived to class about 15 minutes late, and the only seat the was available was a seat the faces the class, rather than facing the projector (which made note-taking difficult, to say the least). However, this perspective allowed me scan the room to see who was in this class, aside from the only two people I had known already (the curse of being a commuter student - you don't know many people in university, but I digress). Then I saw that girl that caught my eye, but until the last week of class, I didn't do anything (mostly since I was still wrestling with my personal dilemmas). 

So after breaking down, and taking those steps to pick myself up (essentially on the last week alone), I decided that I'd work up the courage to ask her out for coffee (or lunch - it didn't matter). Her response didn't matter: all I wanted to do is prove to myself that I had the courage to ask. Besides, I was somewhat confident she was seeing someone anyhow (all pretty girls tend to be in a relationship, though it's not always the case - but again, I digress). However, the timing just wasn't there: she'd leave early or I'd stay behind to follow up with the professor or my classmates (especially because of the daunting final exam), so I couldn't really ask her out on that last week, like I wanted to. I was disappointed - I really wanted to know if I had the courage to do something so many people are strangely afraid to do. I was ready to forget about her and move on (since I was certain I wouldn't see ever again - university's kinda weird like that). 

However, I did end up asking her, but on chance alone, actually. After finishing my final exam and having one last discussion with my professor, I left the classroom. As soon as I opened the door, I noticed her leave the building. For a split moment, I hesitated, but then realized that this would be my last chance, if I were to have one at all. So I chased after her, hoping to find her as soon as possible. I caught up to her, strangely enough. I introduced myself to her and we got to talking for a quick minute. When I had asked her out, I was upfront, honest, and sincere, but she shyly said no. As it turns out, she does have a boyfriend (but I wouldn't really know, after all) and she felt bad for having to say "no," but (in all honesty) I could care less of her answer (of course, if she was single and said "yes," I'd be happier still). So we exchanged goodbyes and good luck wishes for the upcoming Spring semester, and I walked away with a smile. I was happy knowing that I took that chance. Yes, I struck out and got rejected, but I took that chance and asked her.

To know that I'm capable of taking that chance gave me a lot of satisfaction. That incident with her was, perhaps, the most reassuring fact that I'm finally out of my "break-up blues." In one month alone, I've been through so much. Now, I'm ready to face the future with eyes wide open and mind reeling for what lies ahead. Relationships are a hell of thing to behold. 

Until next time, fellow readers!

"The Reasons I Won't Be Coming..." (Pt. II)

Since the last time I wrote about her here, I'm finally starting to become affected by my breakup. Although, it's sad to say that this sounds somewhat crude and inconsiderate, to confess that I'm now just starting to be impacted by the loss of a romantic relationship after some time has passed. It's more honest to say that I've been juggling other problems in my life at the moment (namely my Teggy Ophelia), as well as trying to incorporate new aspects of life into my own (such as getting my lazy self to be in a physically healthier state), and I'm in a short-term winter session (cramming 16 weeks of class material into 4 weeks), so my free time is devoted to studying for a slew of quizzes, exams, and even an essay here and there. I'm certain that these distractions are what delay the whole "moving on" process for me.

However, when I do truly have free time (meaning that I don't have anything that needs immediate attention), and I stop and reflect on the state of my (love) life, it's then when those subtle moments of sadness creep in. I shut down and become distant, aloof, and at times lethargic. The world just isn't as bright or colorful as I'd like to see it to be. Perhaps, saddest of all, I doom myself into thinking that I'll never find another person to have a fulfilling romance. 

If I could, I'd like to go through this emotions in bigger portions, rather than having small morsels of these feelings here and there. These small portions really take away from the many small high points that I have on a daily basis, whether it's the warm feel-good feeling of enjoying a homecooked meal, or the pleasure of meeting new people or accomplishing tasks (I'm thinking of the gym right now. actually). Instead, the food becomes slightly bland or I become lethargic or stubborn when it comes to getting tasks done. By taking on more of the aftermath of my breakup, I feel like I'd be able to thoroughly process my breakup in a much more healthy manner. I feel like I can process, reflect, and learn from what we once shared and grieve over the loss of not only a romance, but a friend also. Yes, I know that life will be much more difficult to endure in that short amount of time, but I'd rather have this than to constantly lose interest in life or have the simple pleasures of life marred by the breakup that looms in the labyrinth of my mind. 

Well, this was a heavy blog post, but don't worry: the next post promises to be more lighthearted. Until next time, my fellow readers!

"her"

I recently saw this movie a almost a ago, totally unaware that this movie was released a few weeks back. In short, I was amazed by how great this movie was. Not that I had low expectations for the film, mind you, but when the story revolves around a romantic relationship between a man and an artificial intelligence, you just don't know what to expect! But Spike Jonze delivered a touching story that goes beyond the immediate, or the forever now as I call it (I'll always thank the Psychedelic Furs for that phrase). 

In some ways, I feel that there's some foreshadowing about the direction of where our modern society is heading. For example, while the idea of dating an artificial intelligence seem ludicrous and preposterous now, perhaps it'll be a social/cultural norm in the not-to-distant future, when AIs can be intuitive and responsive as Samantha. After all, more and more relationships seem to created through the Internet or a social media website of sorts, so the idea of humans developing real emotions with AIs almost seems to be the next step. Also, it's a little depressing to say that we may end up being so overworked that people like Theodore (the main character in the film) are hired to wrie a myriad of romantic love letters on behalf of those who don't have the time anymore to even begin to write a love letter for somebody. 

In some ways, I was able to connect with Theodore in not only the predicaments he was finding himself in, but even how he decided to deal with said predicaments. It was almost like looking at a mirror, and in doing so, realizing how my actions and decisions may have pushed her away. It was difficult to watch those moments, to know that I've made those same mistakes Theodore had also made. But on a more positive perspective, I thoroughly enjoyed hearing those surrogate love letters he had composed, mostly because those letters remind me of the letters I've written over a year ago. Perhaps, I should keep on writing letters, even if there isn't a narrative to bring them all together, like the first twelve I wrote did. 

All in all, this is one of those movies that you'll walk away moved, reflecting on what is love, how it's expressed, and how just the right person (or in this case, an AI) can make life all the more beautiful, inspiring, and fulfilling. 

"Rachel! RACHEL!! (WHERE IS SHE?!?!)"

About the title, sorry, but I couldn't help myself - I just HAD to! You understand, right? =3

Side note: I meant to write this MUCH sooner, but life (school, work, and even "Rachel" herself) manages to overwhelm me daily (parts of these recent posts have, in fact, been written at work!) Also, "Rachel" is a She Wants Revenge song.  

To begin, Rachel and I first met through a mutual friend. Whenever I meet new people, I try to be more outgoing/friendlier than my usual self, mostly because I've been told I can come across as a cold, distant, or a dick in the past. So like with anyone new in my life, I gave her a simple handshake, a friendly smile (the hope is that it's warm and welcoming, not awkward and creepy - I should practice smiling more), and just like that *snaps fingers* we became acquaintances, though we both took to liking each other almost immediately. It was obvious: we smiled at each other and looked around for each other. Like, a lot. Though, I didn't do a thing about it. Mostly because I felt like I needed a much needed break from chasing girls (the masquerade incident still lingers in my mind) and I realized (after said incident) that this year just wasn't my year and I decided to accept being single for a few months more (this was about a month and a half ago, if I recall correctly). A couple of days later, I'd give up that resolution and asked our mutual friend if Rachel was seeing anyone (I'd eventually learn that Rachel had asked the same of me). 

After that, it became incredibly easy. At first, we mostly communicated via Internet (which worked great for us - our bizarre schedules and geographic distances would make it difficult to go out for coffee or frozen yogurt or whatever us kids are supposed to do for a meet up these days). Soon enough, we exchanged numbers and we began messaging and (eventually) calling each other. And to elaborate, before we exchanged numbers, I had asked her out on a date. But as I reflect on it now, I would have liked it more if I could have asked her out in person, but I had no way of meeting her in person to do so: the wacky schedules, remember?

Thus, our one date became a series of dates; our acquaintanceship grew into a friendship, which, in turn, maturated into a romance;  and I'm left in the center of it all, wondering how all this came to be. 

So there you have it: the simple story of how I met your mo--err, my girlfriend. It's, in no way, this passionate, Hollywood movie-type of thing, nor this boy-meets-girl kind of story (it's its own thing, I've come to realize), but I'm still amazed to have found somebody who likes me for me, and who I like for who she is. And she is someone I didn't plan to have in my life (at least for a few more months, that is). That alone makes her all the more special to me.

Mixed Signals & Gambling

This is a different story about a girl (not this story about about a girl), since I've been trying to move on from the first one (if this makes any sense to anyone). Long story short, I've been bonding with a girl over dumb jokes, quips, and an overall genuine concern of our daily existence (small talk, I know, but it leads to deeper topics of discussion). At first, I didn't really notice notice her (that came later), but I just thought it was kind of cool to talk to somebody on a daily basis. Like I said, over time, I really began to notice her, like her laugh, her smile, her hair even (yeah, yeah, don't laugh). Maybe it's just me (and most likely it is just me), but I was certain she was into me, too. Her body language gave me all the right signals, and after some internal debate with myself, I decided to take leap of faith and ask her out on a date. And this is where it was a pain to know the answer. She hesitated and mulled over a possible to give me. All the while, there I am, waiting and anticipating an answer. My heart was beating so loudly, and all the sounds surrounding my were washed out, replaced by the bass-heavy beating of my hear. In the end, she wasn't interested, apologizing for leading me on and letting to believe such things. In reflection (this happened yesterday Aug. 3, 2013), I'm not at all upset. If anything, I feel disappointed. I really thought to have a future of sorts with this girl. Oh well, she's not interested in me and there's nothing I can do but to move on. The search continues...damn it.

Later on that day, I began to work my shift. With the recent hang-up looming over my conscious, my work-shift was immediately tarnished. Not to mention that dreaded PowerBall Lottery jackpot had climbed up to $300 million (it's $300,000,000 written out). Which, in turn, only amplified my bitter perspective of my day. As you all know, my view of the lottery is a very cynical one. For the lottery (or any gambling mechanism in general) dangles false hope upon foolish participants stupid enough to think that they can become filthy rich overnight (and no, that's not from a book - it's my honest, and humble, opinion). Which does happen and it's extremely rare when it does, but it'll never happen to you. And if you have read my "Give Me The Winning Ticket!!!" post, then just know that I loathe the system that is the lottery for the reasons posted in my previous post, with a passion of a thousand suns (you can thank my friend for that one! Ha!). 

So all these trite and predictable comments, multiplied with my romantic hangups have made me extremely bitter for the day. And here I am, venting to the digital world, hoping for an ear of sympathy, yearning to be heard, and finally desiring to connect with another person half a world away. Thank you for reading, listening, and responding (if you choose to reply) to this lengthy vent. It wasn't easy nor comfortable, but thank you nonetheless. Have a good night, good morning, and good afternoon.