Come Learn French with Me!

One of my classes this Spring Semester is elementary French (or FR100, as some refer to it). This was, unfortunately, the only basic foreign language course available this semester. All other languages were either level 2 or above, and I didn't have the prerequisites (the beginning classes) to add those to my current schedule. Besides, French is one of the handful of languages that I do want to learn (among German, Russian, Japanese, and American Sign Language), so I'm quite content with taking this course this semester. When I talked to my sister about this language course, she reassured me that learning French is quite easy, since a good handful of vocabulary and grammar reflects its Spanish cousin (which I already know - ethnicity for the win!). This simply means (in theory) I shouldn't have too much difficulty learning this romantic language.

However, just like anything new, learning a new skill (or in this case, a new language) relies heavily on repetition, comprehension, and understanding. So I got to thinking, "What if I post my progress here? I can review the material thus far and I can pass on (somewhat) what I've been learning onto others." It's been three weeks, but I've already got a good grasp on basic numbers (0-70), reciting the French alphabet (same letters as the English alphabet, but with different pronunciations), and basic colors, phrases and greetings (and such). Essentially all of chapter 1 in our class textbook. I'm ecstatic to know just how much I'll learn before the semester is over. Until next time, fellow readers!

Status Quo

I'd be flat-out lying if I said that I have nothing to say. I do, but I haven't been inspired, so to say, to really write anything new. So here I am, writing one of the few blogs where I rabble on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on and on and on and on...

...Sorry, I spaced out. What was I saying? Oh yes. I'm not at all enthusiastic to write anything thoughtful or reflective today. Perhaps all that I can say, for now, is that I've been diligently reading from my reading list, but it feels like I'm trying to swim upstream (that is, it's difficult to make some progress) at the moment.

Maybe all I just need is a good night's rest for now.

Hiking

Now that the Spring Semester is underway in university, my convoluted schedule has finally allowed me an entire free day to do whatever I please. Unfortunately, this means that I have a whole free day to spend studying (or conducting research, whichever is more important at the time), but I'm sure I'll have a day every week or so to do something...right? 

Well, since these are the early weeks of the Spring Semester (we started quite early, actually), these next Wednesdays are free for me to do whatever I please. So, I spent this past Wednesday hiking. This hike will be the first of many and I hope that I can continue to do such leisurely activities like this in the future. Incidentally, this makes it a new trail that I've trekked, so now I've only to explore 2 more! Finally, I'll just post some photographs that I took along the way - Enjoy!

Portfolio

One of my resolutions this year is have a portfolio showcasing some of my photography. Truthfully, it's really more for me than for anybody else. This is more for me to see some progression with my photography. I like think I'm somewhat on par with my photography (given the lack of knowledge I have about how to use my camera effectively) and I'm confident that I can be taught a thing or two about a thing or two. So the goal to have small album showcasing my camera work has been around for some time, but I've been somewhat lazy (of course) so what should have taken one year is now taking two. I guess I don't mind, but the idea of having a small album with all the photographs I've taken is quite exciting. So for now, I'll post some photographs that I've taken already (as a teaser of sorts). I hope to post more photos here in the future (whatever they may be).

Alone

Close Up v1

Dark Road

Lights

Key

Daylight

Solitude

Parade

Lost

Sparks

Trespassing

"The Twilight Road to Dawn..."

"What are you making me choose now?"

"Between the road to light and the road to darkness."

"Neither suits me...I'm taking the middle road."

"Do you mean the twilight road to nightfall?"

"No...it's the twilight road to dawn."

Since I was 18, I was an "active" church-goer. I say "active" loosely, for if I am critically honest with myself, I was actually a "mediocre" (perhaps "sub-par") church-goer. The five years I was there, I've had my ups, but it seems like I was always down. Many people don't know, but during that time, I was wrestling with depression (and still do), a crumbling foundation of a moral support structure (dear friends who have walked away from their faith, inadvertently walking away from those who matter to them, myself included), doubt (for what I know, what I've done, and what I'm capable of, I dare not speak), and even apathy. After five years, I finally decided to also leave. I've had enough.  It's been over a year since then.

After all this time, I think it's time for me to come back, and try again. In fact, one of my resolutions for this year is to "find a spiritual calling (of sorts)," so I've been mindful of the friends that are still there, the ones who are waiting for me to return. I see some of them daily (they're my coworkers, after all), and the question of when I'll return looms about frequently. Which I don't mind at all, since there are quaint, sincere questions of genuine curiosity (could they be otherwise?) and such questions were often responded by "I don't know" or "I don't think I'm ready to go back." Recently, those responses have been, "Not yet." Now, the only I answer I can give is, "Soon."

In my absence, I've grown tremendously as a person. "Rachel" and the aftermath, "Sophia" and how I met her, the misadventures with Ophelia, my first time, a new experience, the insatiable thirst for knowledge that I have, the victories I've had, my share of defeats, meeting new people, losing old friends, and so much more! All because I chose to step back and walk away from familiar territory.

However, I've got a darker side to myself as well. Over the life of this blog, I've given glimpses as to how how angry, carelessly foolish, bitter, and (if misdemeanors and felonies weren't so costly) how violent I can become (or wish to become). Even now, with so much gained, I still have these capabilities with me. What makes this so frightening is that I have no problem being this way. I can easily embrace this side of me. Much of this comes from a turbulent past, while some of it comes with the knowledge that I'm capable of being able to embrace such a vulgar display of power.

And now, much like the quote above, I, too, am faced with the same question: having gone through so much in so little time, do I go back to the blissful light of my faith, and reject (or rather cast away) a huge part of me that helps make me whole? Or do I reject the light, eternally walking the road of darkness, forever doomed to wander without purpose, direction? The answer is "neither." Much like the first person in the quote, I must learn to walk the narrow road between what I aspire to be and hope I'll never become. I've made too many mistakes (and learned from them, thankfully) to walk freely in the light, but I've yet to relinquish all of me to a side that I know I won't ever return from. Miraculously, I'm still capable of doing good unto others, to share whatever dim light that lingers within. So now, I must learn to have these two polar opposites coexist within me, so while my past is never forgotten, the future ahead of me is bright. It's the only way I can live my life from now on.

An Incomplete Thought...

Somewhere through the night, what had once been a circus of joy, laughter, and good times, had somehow now transformed itself into this delusional nightmare. Loud music and alcohol disguises this pretentious atmosphere into a perversion of the truth - that we are all ignorant, lonely, and pathetic beings, and the only thing that brings us together are fermented drinks that blur the spaces between our secluded little worlds. This blanket of little lives, if they can be lives at all, converge foolishly together, further veiling their sad, pathetic existence. While they lustfully dance the night away, the stars conspicuously glimmer, but seem imperceptible. Rich laughter cascades the still night, and plumes of hot breath hang in the air, if only for a moment. Like the stars before them, these plumes go unnoticed.

"The Reasons I Won't Be Coming..." (Part III)

*NOTE: I actually meant to post this entry a few days ago, but, as I mentioned in Part II, the immense schoolwork had kept me from setting time aside to complete this post punctually.*

In the week after the second entry was written, I had (somewhat) stopped caring about work, my schooling, my appearance, and my health. I still went to my class and work, but I wasn't enthusiastic about doing so. I let my beard become a splotchy mess, I practically wore the same outfit for days on end (my sweater hid the same flannel I wore on consecutive days), and it's been a week or so since my last gym session with my brothers. This went on for days. Then, it finally happened.

I know this because my sister innocently hugged me goodnight a few days ago and I gently wept on her shoulder. My heart, my mind, and my soul couldn't carry on anymore - the weight had been too much. Then, in the following morning, I realized that I have finally reached the deepest depths this break-up will drag me down to. I had nowhere to go, but upwards and, perhaps, beyond.

The first thing to change was my appearance. In addition to finally wearing various outfits to class, two friends in the class suggested that I shave off the entire beard and mustache, rather than trimming off the splotchy regions on my face. So I did, since they've never seen me clean-shaven, so I figure I'd amuse them with how much younger I look (about 20 with a clean face). Incidentally, this shave surprised almost half the class (the professor included), and some people commented on how different I really look without facial hair, including a girl who caught my eye (more on her in a moment). I also began to replace unhealthy snacks and drinks with trail mixes and bottles of water, as well as going out for brisk walks during the small 15-minute breaks we students were given every day. This all began on Wednesday of the third week of class.

On the last day of the second week, I arrived to class about 15 minutes late, and the only seat the was available was a seat the faces the class, rather than facing the projector (which made note-taking difficult, to say the least). However, this perspective allowed me scan the room to see who was in this class, aside from the only two people I had known already (the curse of being a commuter student - you don't know many people in university, but I digress). Then I saw that girl that caught my eye, but until the last week of class, I didn't do anything (mostly since I was still wrestling with my personal dilemmas). 

So after breaking down, and taking those steps to pick myself up (essentially on the last week alone), I decided that I'd work up the courage to ask her out for coffee (or lunch - it didn't matter). Her response didn't matter: all I wanted to do is prove to myself that I had the courage to ask. Besides, I was somewhat confident she was seeing someone anyhow (all pretty girls tend to be in a relationship, though it's not always the case - but again, I digress). However, the timing just wasn't there: she'd leave early or I'd stay behind to follow up with the professor or my classmates (especially because of the daunting final exam), so I couldn't really ask her out on that last week, like I wanted to. I was disappointed - I really wanted to know if I had the courage to do something so many people are strangely afraid to do. I was ready to forget about her and move on (since I was certain I wouldn't see ever again - university's kinda weird like that). 

However, I did end up asking her, but on chance alone, actually. After finishing my final exam and having one last discussion with my professor, I left the classroom. As soon as I opened the door, I noticed her leave the building. For a split moment, I hesitated, but then realized that this would be my last chance, if I were to have one at all. So I chased after her, hoping to find her as soon as possible. I caught up to her, strangely enough. I introduced myself to her and we got to talking for a quick minute. When I had asked her out, I was upfront, honest, and sincere, but she shyly said no. As it turns out, she does have a boyfriend (but I wouldn't really know, after all) and she felt bad for having to say "no," but (in all honesty) I could care less of her answer (of course, if she was single and said "yes," I'd be happier still). So we exchanged goodbyes and good luck wishes for the upcoming Spring semester, and I walked away with a smile. I was happy knowing that I took that chance. Yes, I struck out and got rejected, but I took that chance and asked her.

To know that I'm capable of taking that chance gave me a lot of satisfaction. That incident with her was, perhaps, the most reassuring fact that I'm finally out of my "break-up blues." In one month alone, I've been through so much. Now, I'm ready to face the future with eyes wide open and mind reeling for what lies ahead. Relationships are a hell of thing to behold. 

Until next time, fellow readers!