"The Twilight Road to Dawn..."

"What are you making me choose now?"

"Between the road to light and the road to darkness."

"Neither suits me...I'm taking the middle road."

"Do you mean the twilight road to nightfall?"

"No...it's the twilight road to dawn."

Since I was 18, I was an "active" church-goer. I say "active" loosely, for if I am critically honest with myself, I was actually a "mediocre" (perhaps "sub-par") church-goer. The five years I was there, I've had my ups, but it seems like I was always down. Many people don't know, but during that time, I was wrestling with depression (and still do), a crumbling foundation of a moral support structure (dear friends who have walked away from their faith, inadvertently walking away from those who matter to them, myself included), doubt (for what I know, what I've done, and what I'm capable of, I dare not speak), and even apathy. After five years, I finally decided to also leave. I've had enough.  It's been over a year since then.

After all this time, I think it's time for me to come back, and try again. In fact, one of my resolutions for this year is to "find a spiritual calling (of sorts)," so I've been mindful of the friends that are still there, the ones who are waiting for me to return. I see some of them daily (they're my coworkers, after all), and the question of when I'll return looms about frequently. Which I don't mind at all, since there are quaint, sincere questions of genuine curiosity (could they be otherwise?) and such questions were often responded by "I don't know" or "I don't think I'm ready to go back." Recently, those responses have been, "Not yet." Now, the only I answer I can give is, "Soon."

In my absence, I've grown tremendously as a person. "Rachel" and the aftermath, "Sophia" and how I met her, the misadventures with Ophelia, my first time, a new experience, the insatiable thirst for knowledge that I have, the victories I've had, my share of defeats, meeting new people, losing old friends, and so much more! All because I chose to step back and walk away from familiar territory.

However, I've got a darker side to myself as well. Over the life of this blog, I've given glimpses as to how how angry, carelessly foolish, bitter, and (if misdemeanors and felonies weren't so costly) how violent I can become (or wish to become). Even now, with so much gained, I still have these capabilities with me. What makes this so frightening is that I have no problem being this way. I can easily embrace this side of me. Much of this comes from a turbulent past, while some of it comes with the knowledge that I'm capable of being able to embrace such a vulgar display of power.

And now, much like the quote above, I, too, am faced with the same question: having gone through so much in so little time, do I go back to the blissful light of my faith, and reject (or rather cast away) a huge part of me that helps make me whole? Or do I reject the light, eternally walking the road of darkness, forever doomed to wander without purpose, direction? The answer is "neither." Much like the first person in the quote, I must learn to walk the narrow road between what I aspire to be and hope I'll never become. I've made too many mistakes (and learned from them, thankfully) to walk freely in the light, but I've yet to relinquish all of me to a side that I know I won't ever return from. Miraculously, I'm still capable of doing good unto others, to share whatever dim light that lingers within. So now, I must learn to have these two polar opposites coexist within me, so while my past is never forgotten, the future ahead of me is bright. It's the only way I can live my life from now on.

"Rachel! RACHEL!! (WHERE IS SHE?!?!)"

About the title, sorry, but I couldn't help myself - I just HAD to! You understand, right? =3

Side note: I meant to write this MUCH sooner, but life (school, work, and even "Rachel" herself) manages to overwhelm me daily (parts of these recent posts have, in fact, been written at work!) Also, "Rachel" is a She Wants Revenge song.  

To begin, Rachel and I first met through a mutual friend. Whenever I meet new people, I try to be more outgoing/friendlier than my usual self, mostly because I've been told I can come across as a cold, distant, or a dick in the past. So like with anyone new in my life, I gave her a simple handshake, a friendly smile (the hope is that it's warm and welcoming, not awkward and creepy - I should practice smiling more), and just like that *snaps fingers* we became acquaintances, though we both took to liking each other almost immediately. It was obvious: we smiled at each other and looked around for each other. Like, a lot. Though, I didn't do a thing about it. Mostly because I felt like I needed a much needed break from chasing girls (the masquerade incident still lingers in my mind) and I realized (after said incident) that this year just wasn't my year and I decided to accept being single for a few months more (this was about a month and a half ago, if I recall correctly). A couple of days later, I'd give up that resolution and asked our mutual friend if Rachel was seeing anyone (I'd eventually learn that Rachel had asked the same of me). 

After that, it became incredibly easy. At first, we mostly communicated via Internet (which worked great for us - our bizarre schedules and geographic distances would make it difficult to go out for coffee or frozen yogurt or whatever us kids are supposed to do for a meet up these days). Soon enough, we exchanged numbers and we began messaging and (eventually) calling each other. And to elaborate, before we exchanged numbers, I had asked her out on a date. But as I reflect on it now, I would have liked it more if I could have asked her out in person, but I had no way of meeting her in person to do so: the wacky schedules, remember?

Thus, our one date became a series of dates; our acquaintanceship grew into a friendship, which, in turn, maturated into a romance;  and I'm left in the center of it all, wondering how all this came to be. 

So there you have it: the simple story of how I met your mo--err, my girlfriend. It's, in no way, this passionate, Hollywood movie-type of thing, nor this boy-meets-girl kind of story (it's its own thing, I've come to realize), but I'm still amazed to have found somebody who likes me for me, and who I like for who she is. And she is someone I didn't plan to have in my life (at least for a few more months, that is). That alone makes her all the more special to me.