"What are you making me choose now?"
"Between the road to light and the road to darkness."
"Neither suits me...I'm taking the middle road."
"Do you mean the twilight road to nightfall?"
"No...it's the twilight road to dawn."
Since I was 18, I was an "active" church-goer. I say "active" loosely, for if I am critically honest with myself, I was actually a "mediocre" (perhaps "sub-par") church-goer. The five years I was there, I've had my ups, but it seems like I was always down. Many people don't know, but during that time, I was wrestling with depression (and still do), a crumbling foundation of a moral support structure (dear friends who have walked away from their faith, inadvertently walking away from those who matter to them, myself included), doubt (for what I know, what I've done, and what I'm capable of, I dare not speak), and even apathy. After five years, I finally decided to also leave. I've had enough. It's been over a year since then.
After all this time, I think it's time for me to come back, and try again. In fact, one of my resolutions for this year is to "find a spiritual calling (of sorts)," so I've been mindful of the friends that are still there, the ones who are waiting for me to return. I see some of them daily (they're my coworkers, after all), and the question of when I'll return looms about frequently. Which I don't mind at all, since there are quaint, sincere questions of genuine curiosity (could they be otherwise?) and such questions were often responded by "I don't know" or "I don't think I'm ready to go back." Recently, those responses have been, "Not yet." Now, the only I answer I can give is, "Soon."
In my absence, I've grown tremendously as a person. "Rachel" and the aftermath, "Sophia" and how I met her, the misadventures with Ophelia, my first time, a new experience, the insatiable thirst for knowledge that I have, the victories I've had, my share of defeats, meeting new people, losing old friends, and so much more! All because I chose to step back and walk away from familiar territory.
However, I've got a darker side to myself as well. Over the life of this blog, I've given glimpses as to how how angry, carelessly foolish, bitter, and (if misdemeanors and felonies weren't so costly) how violent I can become (or wish to become). Even now, with so much gained, I still have these capabilities with me. What makes this so frightening is that I have no problem being this way. I can easily embrace this side of me. Much of this comes from a turbulent past, while some of it comes with the knowledge that I'm capable of being able to embrace such a vulgar display of power.
And now, much like the quote above, I, too, am faced with the same question: having gone through so much in so little time, do I go back to the blissful light of my faith, and reject (or rather cast away) a huge part of me that helps make me whole? Or do I reject the light, eternally walking the road of darkness, forever doomed to wander without purpose, direction? The answer is "neither." Much like the first person in the quote, I must learn to walk the narrow road between what I aspire to be and hope I'll never become. I've made too many mistakes (and learned from them, thankfully) to walk freely in the light, but I've yet to relinquish all of me to a side that I know I won't ever return from. Miraculously, I'm still capable of doing good unto others, to share whatever dim light that lingers within. So now, I must learn to have these two polar opposites coexist within me, so while my past is never forgotten, the future ahead of me is bright. It's the only way I can live my life from now on.
After all this time, I think it's time for me to come back, and try again. In fact, one of my resolutions for this year is to "find a spiritual calling (of sorts)," so I've been mindful of the friends that are still there, the ones who are waiting for me to return. I see some of them daily (they're my coworkers, after all), and the question of when I'll return looms about frequently. Which I don't mind at all, since there are quaint, sincere questions of genuine curiosity (could they be otherwise?) and such questions were often responded by "I don't know" or "I don't think I'm ready to go back." Recently, those responses have been, "Not yet." Now, the only I answer I can give is, "Soon."
In my absence, I've grown tremendously as a person. "Rachel" and the aftermath, "Sophia" and how I met her, the misadventures with Ophelia, my first time, a new experience, the insatiable thirst for knowledge that I have, the victories I've had, my share of defeats, meeting new people, losing old friends, and so much more! All because I chose to step back and walk away from familiar territory.
However, I've got a darker side to myself as well. Over the life of this blog, I've given glimpses as to how how angry, carelessly foolish, bitter, and (if misdemeanors and felonies weren't so costly) how violent I can become (or wish to become). Even now, with so much gained, I still have these capabilities with me. What makes this so frightening is that I have no problem being this way. I can easily embrace this side of me. Much of this comes from a turbulent past, while some of it comes with the knowledge that I'm capable of being able to embrace such a vulgar display of power.
And now, much like the quote above, I, too, am faced with the same question: having gone through so much in so little time, do I go back to the blissful light of my faith, and reject (or rather cast away) a huge part of me that helps make me whole? Or do I reject the light, eternally walking the road of darkness, forever doomed to wander without purpose, direction? The answer is "neither." Much like the first person in the quote, I must learn to walk the narrow road between what I aspire to be and hope I'll never become. I've made too many mistakes (and learned from them, thankfully) to walk freely in the light, but I've yet to relinquish all of me to a side that I know I won't ever return from. Miraculously, I'm still capable of doing good unto others, to share whatever dim light that lingers within. So now, I must learn to have these two polar opposites coexist within me, so while my past is never forgotten, the future ahead of me is bright. It's the only way I can live my life from now on.
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